Change of heart

I’ve had a change of heart. I think I’m going to trust God with my crush.

This 180 -degree turn is prompted by an encounter I had with her yesterday. What is interesting is that after not running into the young lady for months, I have seen her in passing about three times in a few weeks.

Ever time I see the girl I have to piece myself together afterwards. Yesterday was no different. This time we actually had a short conversation. I had to go sit down and catch my breath when it was over.

I feel like a gushing school girl after I see her. I have not looked in the mirror, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my face was flushed. I texted a friend in a similar situation when I sat down just to get myself together.

When I wrote another buddy about this experience and how pathetic I am, he responded by telling me that “yeah, I don’t have any answers either. “ He is well aware that I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

As I have written here, there is a rock pile of obstruction in doing anything about my passion for the lady.   Without rehashing previous posts, let me just say I am still married, although the relationship died years ago. I have some real biblical objections to divorce. As I see it, the Scriptures say that God hates it.

Further, I am twice the age of the object of my obsession. If this wasn’t enough to impede any chance with her, I am also broke and have nothing much to offer her.

Walking to get coffee this morning though, I had an epiphany. I recalled how I ended up married in the first place.

I wasn’t looking to get married at the time. It wasn’t that I was against it, but I was too busy. However, I do recall that my attitude was one of trust in God. I had decided as young man that I was not going to make pursuit of women a priority. Instead, I focused on my relationship with God and Christian ministry.

Yet, out of nowhere I met the woman that became my wife. Yes, I did pursue her after she came onto my radar screen, but I didn’t go wild. In fact, I couldn’t.

Just as now, I was incapable of doing anything about my interest in the lady. I had little money and she lived far away. Yet, we ended up together.

My thinking in my late 20s was much different than it is today. Now I get frustrated all the time over my inability to do anything about my burning desire for the lady in question. I have known for a long time that I can’t keep going on like this.

My inner turnaround has been seeing something fresh in an old well-known Bible verse. Most Bible believing Christians are aware of Matthew 6:33:

“ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well.”

In context the passage refers to God meeting physical needs. Even so, I think the principle applies to my love life (not to mention, as a virile male, I do have a certain bodily requirement that has gone missing for years.)

I think I got this revelation because I have been seeking to obey God of late. For a couple of weeks now I have been trying to deal with a bad habit which I know isn’t pleasing to Him. I even have been keeping an Excel sheet tracking my progress. I have never done anything like that before. I am Mr. Shoot-From-the-Hip.

One of my early mentors used to quote Luke 16:10 to me all the time:

“He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much.”

He even had me apply it to shooting a basketball. I liked to take what is today called a “3-pointer.” This fellow had me go up close to the basket, telling me to learn to make those first before trying to launch one of my Hail Marys.

His teaching is quite applicable to me now. I have a lot of little foxes in my life to deal with before I could even think about having a relationship with a female. In fact, there are some grizzly bears, also.

My point is this: because I have been faithful in seeking God on one of my nasty habits, He is giving me more revelation. This experience is in line with Jesus’s teaching concerning obedience. (See John 14:21).

As I continue to prioritize my relationship with God, I believe He will give me more insight about what to do about my prospective lover. Whatever that might be, I know I can trust Him on the matter.

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