Groan

My heart  is broken.

Last night, late, I went to my Facebook page.  To make a long story short, my over a year long crush is over. Did I say it was over?

She posted on her wall that she is in a relationship. When I signed in the message had been up for 20 minutes. I was devastated. I was so distraught that I just finished a work project until 4 am.  Then I went to bed and woke up screaming after a nightmare (or “morning-mare”).

I have spent the morning crushed over my crush. The thing is, she is more than a crush. I do think I have been in love with her.

Of course, I have decided it is impossible to act on it. As I have posted previously, I am married (though we are separated and the relationship is irretrievable.) I am also old enough to be the girl’s father.

I have gone through stages of grief .Since this morning I have been trying to stop “feeling” for this woman. I can’t.  I really do think it’s more than infatuation and I realize I can’t just stop my feelings for her.

I have been talking to myself.. “Well, God can still put it off. I mean she says on FB she is ‘dating’ him. Hell, he hasn’t put a ring on it (yet.)”

Then I have blamed myself. “Well, John Polk, if you had just pursued her….”.

To unload I have written my closest buddies to tell them of the news. Being the good friends they are, they tell me how sorry they are. One suggested I go on Christian Mingle.

I thought, “Oh, that would be a big hit.” I could see it now. “Married early senior looking for romance.”

I told one pal,”I feel like hell physically and emotionally it is like someone kicked me in the stomach. I harken back to those stories –the one where several Christian dudes think ‘she’s God’s will for me.’ Well how in the hell can one girl be God’s will for several guys–well, at least in this day and age I guess anything is possible. I’m sick at heart.”

As has become my habit,  I “googled” what to do. Most of the advice was directed toward women in my shoes, but it seemed to be applicable to dudes too.

Some of it I had already thought about:. Focus on myself. Quit stalking her social media. (In fact, I shut down my entire FB account before pictures I can’t handle start appearing.) Avoid her. (That should be easy. although it seems I have seen her a lot lately after not running into her for several months.)

I am even thinking about moving away and finding a new job. It may seem drastic, but it would certainly rule her out for good. Ruling things out is how my brain works when I take a multiple choice test, too.

After a short break to come home, I find myself in great anguish. The pain in my soul is unbearable. Why do I hurt so much over a woman, one that I don’t even know that well?

Am I grieving my lost youth that is currently hers? Do I wish to be able to accompany her on the journey ahead and relive my past? Am I so destitute of the love of God and people that the loss of her potential love (which was a long shot anyway) is devastating.

I have been begging God to take away the pain. What has come to mind is the famous verse from Romans in the Bible. Chapter 8 verse 28 says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

I know in comparison to her I don’t have long to live. She deserves a full life and a family if  Jesus should tarry.

Perhaps the answer is found earlier in Roman s 8. Paul writes:

For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.  For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now.  And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.

The truth is that I live in a fallen, temporary world. I am bound, like all of creation, to experience pain and frustration. God has bigger fish to fry in my life and in  the life of this lady than a romantic relationship with each other.

For now Paul tells me to wait in patience for the redemption that will come from Christ. God knows my weakness and I don’t know even how to pray my way out of this pain.

I find it interesting that Merriam-Webster defines ‘weakness’ as “something that you like so much that you are often unable to resist it.” For me, it’s this young lady.

But as Paul writes, “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, bu tthe Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

If there is gonna be groaning in my soul, may it be that of the Spirit of God.

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

I will trust in You
Let the weak say
I am strong
In the strength of the Lord-Selah

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