Just about every aspect of my life is either dead or dying, and I’m dying inside.
My marriage died years ago. Along with that, my relations with the children born of it passed away as well.
Along the way I got a fatal disease. It’s slow moving, but fatal nonetheless. The illness is controlled by medicine, but due to financial constraints it hasn’t been available to me for months. As a result, my last visit to the doctor showed that it had flared up. Without those pill, which I am endeavoring to get now, this showed me that I am a dead duck.
Furthermore, the job I have had the last few years is coming to an end. I’m getting laid off and my prospects are limited.
Once again I have found that I can’t afford to leave my current city, and without a new job here I can’t afford to stay either. In addition, things do not look good in my field across the board, and it will be difficult to find anything. My skills in other areas are nil, too. Therefore, finding a job I can do in this small town is going to be difficult.
Even imagined life is not available to me. I have fallen for a married friend here. Yet, although she humors my advances it is clear my love is unrequited. She runs hot and cold in responding to me.
“Come on and kill me baby
While you smile like a friend; Oh and I’ll come running
Just to do it again; You are the last drink I never should have drunk;
You are the body hidden in the trunk ; You are the habit I can’t seem to kick ;
You are my secrets on the front page every week ;
You are the car I never should have bought;
You are the dream I never should have caught;
You are the cut that makes me hide my face ;
You are the party that makes me feel my age;
Like a car crash I can see but I just can’t avoid ;
Like a plane I’ve been told I never should board;
Like a film that’s so bad but I’ve got to stay till the end ;
Let me tell you now: it’s lucky for you that we’re friends.”-Pulp
My only hope is to adopt the attitude of the Apostle Paul. He wrote:
But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings,becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.
12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
I can’t say that all of my death and dying has come upon me because I have sought to follow Christ, but a lot of it has, as misguided as my discipleship has been.
But like Paul, from now on I MUST take Paul’s attitude to life. He also wrote,”For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”
If I am to have a complete life in Christ from here on out, I have to keep from dragging around all the dying things noted above and the already dead corpses. I have to forget my past and like Paul said, “press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.”
I came to Christ at 17 out of a desire to have a purpose to life. It seems my purposes have come to nought. Now it’s time to just let Jesus fulfill His purposes here on out, whatever the cost and whatever they might be.
Death is always a negative. Jesus Himself said,
Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.
I want to bear fruit in this world and begin heading toward abundant and eternal life in the next, and I intend to start now.