Loser

I’m a loser. That’s all I can conclude when I review my relationships with women.

I married over three decades ago. Somehow I managed to convince a woman to become wed to me. It was like a cat marrying a dog. We have been estranged for years.

While I do believe we loved each other (and perhaps always will), we were like oil and water. Our romance started through correspondence after a brief meeting, and we kind of reversed the natural course of events. We got to know each other on the inside before we did on the outside.

The fact is, our personalities did not mesh.  We began fighting during our courtship and that carried on into our marriage. But the personality differences were only part of what killed our marriage.

Another thing that led to our demise was my wandering eye. Oh hell, I am not an adulterer and would have never gone out on my wife. But I did like to look at other women. Not to make excuses, but I don’t think I am alone among my male comrades in that regard.

My wife couldn’t handle that. Even when I wasn’t looking at other girls she thought I was. Neither one of had the maturity to deal with my problem.

The adult thing to do would have been for us to have a serious discussion on my “eye problem” and why it was happening. But she was too insecure and I was too much of an adolescent.

In retrospect, this problem probably was the leak in the dam that started the flood that swept away our marriage.  My eyes were not the only factor in our separation, but they were an initial contributor.  Trust began to crumble.

In the 1958 film “Some Came Running”, Frank Sinatra plays a soldier who is very talented in writing, but also has a penchant for fast women and counting cards. Sinatra’s character falls in love with a literature professor who admires his writing. However, her attraction to him hits a brick wall when she observes his character. The woman, who was a lady, couldn’t get past the skillful writer’s lack of mores and the company he kept.

This I feel was the problem with our marriage from my wife’s perspective. She admired me and loved me, but from her point of view I was a scoundrel.  I wasn’t really, and to be fair to myself, she had her own issues that helped to kill our bond.  But I digress.

In recent years I have found myself attracted to two or three women. They have even shown a little interest, but just as with the writer in “Some Came Running”, these ladies came to a point where they stopped the music. I have been evaluating why.

There are a lot of reasons why I am not appealing to women. I don’t think I am a bad looking guy. But I am aging. And I have a potentially fatal disease. I am poor. I think I am a little boring, too, and my women interests are outgoing, busy, fun loving and younger girls.  Perhaps the clincher, though, is that I am still married.

God hates divorce and I keep asking myself,”Why would I want to do something God hates?” The women are asking themselves,”What am I doing, considering getting involved with a man with a marriage certificate and one who isn’t worth that trouble at that?”

So here I stand, all alone. My guess is that I will stay this way the rest of the cruise. I have no one to blame but myself. “Loser!”

 

 

 

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