Floating

When it comes to women, I feel like a ship adrift at sea.

That should not be a surprise to me as this is how I feel about my life in general. I am unemployed, have no one I hang with and don’t have any real purpose.

I’m working on the last one, and I am giving myself a good amount of time to think about it-perhaps even up to a year. In the meantime, the loneliness is palpable.

“Get a cat,” you say. I’m working on that too. I am watching a neighbor’s two feline’s while they are out of town. I mainly agreed to do it out of being neighborly, but I also am trying to see if my current attitude and lifestyle would fit with adopting a kitty of my own.

I guess I’m that lonely.

In the last few years I have had an interest in two women. The interest in one of them who I have called my “crush” is well documented in these pages. That this has been going on for years without resolution is pathetic.

But now I really believe I have given up on both of them.

One is married, though I am pretty sure unhappily. I thought because of this I might have a chance, but  I saw a picture of her this summer with her husband and I woke up.

“What the hell am I doing?” I said to myself.

Perhaps she isn’t happy still, but I have no business getting my heart all wrapped up with a woman who has a man already. What a disaster that would be!

So I have pulled away. There really has been nothing to move from since I no longer work with this person and we only really talked on social media anyway. Once I stopped communicating, so did she.

Saying adios to the second woman has been more difficult. This girl is half my age and single, and at one time seemed to have an interest in me.

In thinking about her yesterday, I decided to cut my only contact with her-social media. (Do I observe a pattern here?).

I seem to run into this lady more often than I would expect. It’s only occasional, but when we do see each other we exchange pleasantries and she usually gives me a little conversation before she moves on.

But, I realized a while back that I had missed my chance with her. Sometimes there is a spark, and if isn’t fanned into a flame it burns out.

I have not pursued this crush because I am still married, and because of my faith I have had  trouble divorcing. I should, since I have only talked with my wife once in the last few years.

So I think this  young lady has figured it out one way or the other. She has either talked to mutual acquaintances about me, or our “relationship” died on the vine. But she knows either I am married, or that our relationship is like a floating piece of ice, or perhaps even one of these people has besmirched my reputation to her. I can only speculate.

Although she is cordial in person (I saw her the other day), she doesn’t communicate with me at all on social media anymore. So yesterday I just cut her off from my site.

In some ways this event was a catharsis for me. I had finally done something final about her. We’ll see how long it lasts. I imagine at this stage it will end things.

But as I think about the future, one of the things I have thought about is establishing a relationship with a woman. I have even pondered trying to work on my marriage. That idea makes me tired even thinking about it. We’ll see. I think, and I believe rightly so, that it is over. Even if it isn’t, I just have no real desire or energy to make it work.

So on I float, year after year. I am hoping my year deadline gives me a kick in the butt to get off of it and do something with the rest of my life.

 

 

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