What dreams may come!

HAMLET: To be, or not to be–that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep–
No more–and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. ‘Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep–
To sleep–perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come-William Shakespeare

We sat in the corner of a stadium watching a sporting event. We began to cuddle and then I grabbed her in my arms and we kissed.

“I have made plans for you to come over on October 29,” she said.

Then I woke up. I had been dreaming over a girl I was entranced with 20 years ago. A student of mine, she was also the rave of the entire men’s baseball team according to a university VP.

The girl reeked pheromones and caused me no end of grief since I was married. She also was married.

I eventually dumped my friendship with her and her husband because it was affecting my marriage. It left me with a large amount of guilt.

Older and wiser, I now realize that the woman herself had something to do with my “problem” with her. She must have relished all the attention from the drooling males around and subtly encouraged it. I now feel sorry for her husband because he was a good guy.

I tried to find her on the Internet but was unsuccessful. Isn’t it interesting I can remember HER name, but not her husband’s.

I have no idea why I dreamt of this girl last night. And why we were together in a stadium. Maybe my mind was putting together two of my great interests: women and sports.

A quick review of Google and “dreaming about an old crush” basically tells me my dream means I have unfulfilled longing in real life. True dat.

Given my life circumstances, I have been smart enough these days to move on from relationships like the one I had with this girl 20 years ago. I admit to having dallied with a married woman at work (as noted in these posts), but have since backed off of seeing her. I think with her I am capable of just being friends.

It is another story with another crush mentioned here: a woman half my age. She is unmarried and I seriously believe something could happen with her. But since I am still legally married I feel it is wrong to pursue her.

Although she may have had some interest at one time, I am pretty sure it is one sided now. After I ran into her recently, I unfriended her on social media. It was the only place I ever had any real contact with her anyway.

This recent conversation told me some things. For example, it made me realize she has a strong awareness of my age. Her comment about me perhaps seeking “early retirement” hurt. I have been living in another dream world with her, one in which our 30 year age difference wasn’t an issue.

Ultimately, I think my dream showed me how lonely I am. But I don’t have an answer as to what to do about it yet.

I do believe I want a divorce, but I have not gotten there at this point. As far as having another wife, I can’t see it. With a chronic disease that, left untreated, would kill me and my general poverty, I have (as one friend put it) nothing to offer a woman.

This leaves God. He’s all I have at this point.

Life coach Brendon Burchard says that we need to overcome our demons to be successful. One of these demons is doubt. The cure is faith, says Burchard. Faith that we will figure things out.

I might add to that prescription the need to include faith in God to help me do that.

 

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